Author Topic: Guide to the virus.  (Read 418 times)

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Offline Karl

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Guide to the virus.
« on: April 25, 2020, 06:46:51 pm »

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.

5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).

13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...it's a sort of lucky/unlucky dip.

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.

25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.

27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.

Hope that makes things clearer for you?

Stolen from someone else...
I like my 1200.
"Of course we know don't we Brian that they downrated the K1200S and brought it out as the K1300S. ;)" TomL

Offline Phmode

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2020, 07:04:11 pm »
You missed the bit from the Orange Clown about inhaling/mainlining or otherwise consuming bleach.

Or not, according to the disinfectant manufacturer involved  ???

Offline richtea

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2020, 07:09:55 pm »
You missed the bit from the Orange Clown about inhaling/mainlining or otherwise consuming bleach.

Or not, according to the disinfectant manufacturer involved  ???

Here's his thought process being acted out:
https://twitter.com/sarahcpr/status/1253474772702429189?s=20

Followed by:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EWYznslWoA0gRIK?format=jpg&name=small

Sarcasm? My arse.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2020, 11:10:49 pm by richtea »

Offline Phmode

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2020, 10:36:01 pm »
I don't know about your arse. Well, I do, but that's a different story...

If I thought for one moment that he understood sarcasm, or, well, anything really...

I am making what might be a huge assumption here, that the CIA, FBI, NORAD, USAF, Marines, US Navy, Mickey Mouse etc. have got a set of dummy codes for The Bomb, have a McVities Digestive in place of the real Biscuit and have the red button (not that there is one, disappointingly) rigged to a hand grenade to prevent recidivism.

Bleach, for fucks sake...

Offline TomK1300s

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2020, 01:58:32 pm »
« Last Edit: April 26, 2020, 02:02:25 pm by TomK1300s »
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Offline richtea

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2020, 02:43:14 pm »
This is what POTUS was talking about its a new treatment they are working on,

https://www.hollywoodlanews.com/uv-light-kills-coronavirus/?fbclid=IwAR3SJgmYxlZH7GD7f2qdqs13oQOnduRks_IDhu-f37QWvaB2znVM_tqPufk

'Peer-reviewed data from the research study is expected to be published soon.'

Looks like a funky solution, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, Mr President.

Offline Phmode

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2020, 10:50:49 pm »
I get daily e-mails from an ex-pat brit, married to a still serving USAF civilian engineer.

She constantly asks where the fuck the SAS is. And bearing in mind she once went out with a very dark 'soldier' who used to bring the tools of his trade home with him, one wonders quite what she expects the Herefordshire Brigade to do...

Her last mail implored the UK government to 'for fucks sake, please give the Orange Clown an option he doesn't understand...

...with extreme prejudice'.

I'll pop along and see what my neighbours can do    8)

Offline Swindon Andy

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2020, 11:36:33 am »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFXdWWiF0oU

It's a bit long winded but clearly shows BBC editing Trump to make him look worse than he perhaps is. I didn't realise the BBC were quite as bad as this!
Unless this youtube is itself modified for reverse effect.

Offline raesewell

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2020, 12:17:58 pm »
I don't think it's possible to make Trump look worse than he is but yes we expect better from the BBC, he is a walking talking testament to the fact that democracy works, anyone can get elected. It makes me shudder  :o Bring back Screaming Lord (David) Sutch

Offline richtea

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2020, 04:31:35 pm »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFXdWWiF0oU

It's a bit long winded but clearly shows BBC editing Trump to make him look worse than he perhaps is. I didn't realise the BBC were quite as bad as this!
Unless this youtube is itself modified for reverse effect.

I was watching it live on Thursday night, about 11:45pm, I think. It is (well, was) my highlight 'comedy' time of the day*.
Here are some snippets of the live version, cut down. This is 49-50 mins in:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33QdTOyXz3w

The first 50 seconds has no edit - that is the Leader of the Free World speaking the full weight of his tiny tiny mind.
That conversation might pass muster behind closed doors, but doing it live on the world stage is dumb. Really really dumb.

I agree the BBC edit made it look worse, but this man is the Prez. WTF is the man doing freewheeling out of his shallow depths.
To criticise the BBC is to miss the point. It's Trump that needs to be pulled up sharp.

His job is simple:
- reassure the population
- inform with facts (with experts to back him up)
- explain the plan (UK gov could learn from this)
- reiterate the rules (stay in, wear mask if in close contact, etc)

What he actually does, if you watch a full session (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zu60uj0_-Nw):
- presents some facts generally read verbatim, with no passion or gravitas
- goes off at random tangents (either 'I'm great, I did this', or 'They're bad, they lied')
- in Q&A rips into any questioner he believes will damage him
- raps off with random ideas, without truth getting in the way

If you want to how a leader should reassure & inform, watch Andrew Cuomo (NY gov).
https://youtu.be/13f8BQknvmk?t=12


*I even had a buzzword bingo word list for when I'm listening.
I miss him already.  :(

My default bingo card:
WHO
open up the country sooner than expected
some states asked for far too many ventilators
china aren't playing nice
business list of whohoos - aren't they great companies
strongest economy ever
fake news
tremendous
beautiful
incredible

Offline Matt

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Re: Guide to the virus.
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2020, 05:49:54 pm »
One can see how it would work in a business meeting when everyone is scared of him, and everyone is a "yes" person. As you say, doing it live on the world stage is quite another. You'd think he'd have worked that out by now, but given he's now cancelled the daily briefings, obviously not.

"shallow depths" indeed!
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