Author Topic: Just wanted to say thank you to all  (Read 173 times)

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Offline DouglasM

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Just wanted to say thank you to all
« on: November 16, 2019, 02:25:07 pm »
Subject: Just wanted to say thank you to all


As we come to the end of the year 2019, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.


I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason
.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.


I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.


AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.


And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.


THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.


I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. ( Love this one-got me!)


P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Offline TomL

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Re: Just wanted to say thank you to all
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2019, 03:30:45 pm »
Thanks for cheering us up.
As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everybody is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Offline Phmode

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Re: Just wanted to say thank you to all
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 01:34:41 pm »
With a K12S, all of your other worries should pale into total insignificance Douglas  ;D

Offline Costas

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Re: Just wanted to say thank you to all
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2019, 04:10:12 pm »
Great , lots of items to forward and make the life of certain friends even better, hehehehehe
Embrace the wind.